day 5, check.

Just a quick note to say that I have officially made it to day 5! That means, that tomorrow will mark a new record for me, sad as that is. I am actually quite excited that I've been able to keep to this. I am excited to see it become a habit in my life to be in the Word. yay!

Another note. Verse memory is another aspect of the daily devos in A Call to Die. Until now I've been "memorizing" John 3:16. Having grown up in the church, this verse is pretty much like the back of my hand. Today a new verse was introduced: Isaiah 26:8.

Lord, we show our trust in you by obeying your laws; our heart's desire is to glorify your name.

So I only had to look it up once to refresh my memory before typing that, but still. I'm actually quite excited to be memorizing new scripture! Bring it!

Lord, we show our trust in you by obeying your laws; our heart's desire is to glorify your name.

Lord, we show our trust in you by obeying your laws; our hearts desire is to glorify your name.

lord, we show our trust in you by obeying your laws; our hearts desire is to glorify your name.

I got this, Isaiah 26.8.....now if i can only live it!

a call to die, day 3.

already being challenged by this book and the covenant I made.

today started off with me spilling my breakfast all over the carpet... and therefore I ended up not having enough time to devote to...devotions. Even though I spent time talking to God on the drive to work, my day was pretty much downhill from there. Did a lot of little things wrong at work and ended the day feeling extremely down about myself and my abilities. My job shouldn't be that hard, and the things I did stupid were just that....stupid. Unfortunately my whole evening was ruined by my tiredness and being down upon myself.

I finally did my day 3 devotional only to be reprimanded for the very thing I was wallowing in: self-absorption. The book started off with talking about self absorption having two side effects: pride and shame. Obviously I am struggling with the latter.

even after reading through and journaling, I am still feeling crappy. I guess I can't use God as a pain-killer. He isn't a pill I can just pop and everything will feel better. In fact, many times it feels worse, like tonight when he revealed more sin to me. Now, how do I not get self-absorbed and shameful about being self-absorbed and shameful??

also: how do I pray with my husband like i should when it's the last thing i feel like doing?

a call to die.

apathy.
indifference.
lukewarm-ness.

All of these words are disgusting to me, primarily because I've been feeling like they could be used to describe my life, specifically my spiritual life. Now, don't get me wrong, nothing has changed in what my heart believes. I know without a doubt that Christ loves me, and died on the cross so that I can live. I know that. The problem is that I've been subdued. I've been letting the banalities of life get in the way and blind me from the passionate, radical truth of what I believe!

CHRIST DIED FOR MY SINS. HE LOVES ME!! HE WANTS ME TO LIVE FOR HIM!

Those are statements I've heard and thought so many times that I think they've lost some of their shock value. Those are radical words!

Last night at church I was challenged. I've been feeling guilt about my lukewarm-ness for a while, but haven't exactly taken much action to heat things up. I've been praying for passion, praying for God to wake me up and get me going, but last night I realized that God has already given me the tools to do just that. The ball is in my court.

What I've been struggling with, simply put, is obedience.

At church we went through the entire sermon on the mount, or as Pastor John Mark calls it "the talk on the hill". :) He made a great point. Jesus's teachings are not that hard to understand. But, they ARE hard to follow. I mean come on, Matthew 5.48!

"But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect."

Perfect? Jesus, you created me. You've been with me and watching me for the past 23 years...you should know. I am not perfect! The project has failed before it even got off the ground on that one. However, that is precisely what Jesus is asking of us.

Well, I know I am a long way from perfection, but hearing the words of Jesus last night really challenged and inspired me to action. God has given me his word, and he wants me in it. He wants me to be meditating on it and soaking it up every single day. That is one small step to action that I have not been doing. I'd like to start. As I was thinking today about how I can begin my new course of obedience, I was reminded of a book I own but have never fully read, called "A Call to Die" by David Nasser. It is a 40 day call to prayer, fasting, and feasting on God's word. I dug it out of the book shelf today, and after reading the introduction once again, I realized it is the perfect tool for me to use to start changing my mindset and lose the apathy I've been plagued with! During communion last night I made a covenant with Jesus to change. That word stayed with me, covenant. A solemn promise. I've made many of those in my life that I have not kept. This time is different. I am giving my will to Him. For 40 days I will not watch any television shows. I will instead spend at least one hour each day in the word, using Nasser's book to guide me. (It is set up in day to day increments.) There are journal spaces, and I noticed that the last two times I tried to do this 40 day thing, i made it only to day 5 according to the abrupt stop of all journal entries past that....that is not a good track record. I know I have a problem with sticking to things (diets, exercise, cleaning, etc) . This is nothing new. That just makes this covenant all the more challenging! With God's help (and my husband's, too!) I can and will do this. I'm praying it will inspire a new passion for obedience and a thirst for God's word.

I know it won't be easy. But it will be good. Bring it on!!

prayer journal: easter.

god,

it's been a while since we talked like this.

I'm feeling a bit lost, a bit stuck....a bit far away from you right now. My mind and heart know that you are the truth, and I believe that you rose again to save me, but I'm just not sure that my life is really showing that. It is so hard to live with an eternal perspective. I'm so selfish and stuck on trying to "be happy" right here, right now, that I'm forgetting what it means to live for you. I still feel like a child in my faith. How do I grow?

I've prayed for passion before. I'm asking again. Give me passion for you. Show me what it means to live to glorify you and enjoy you! I know that you want me to live abundantly right here on earth, and that if I can just let go and trust you that I will see your will for my life.

God, be my best friend again. Help me not to rely on my husband to fulfill me, when that is supposed to be your job. I know you are just waiting for me to let you in. Open my heart.

You are so amazing Jesus, and I don't tell you enough how happy I am to be your child. Set my heart on fire for you, help me to feel that deep down joy that only you can give.

Remind me what is truly important in this life. Help me to cultivate my friendships and not let them whither just because I'm far away from home. Thank you so much for Kristin and Theresa and Kelsey....be with them and keep them safe!

I love you God. I miss crawling up into your lap like a child and feeling your strong, secure arms around me. Let me have child-like faith without being childish.

All of this in your holy name I pray, amen.

Your child,

Amanda